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Hello world. Its 1.03 am, and my brains are throbbing with the Sale of Goods Act. I wonder why professional bodies have to make everything sound so serious and boring. At least make the titles more appealing so students like me would open our statute books more often. For example, the Idiot's Guide to Not Getting Sued When Purchasing, or Selling. Yikes.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 1:03 AM
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0 comments erdi. last confessed at 11:09 PM
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This is kinda what happens when you've been consumed in textbooks for too long. You take the nearest camera phone and snap pictures of yourself.

Anyway, today I shall preach on something personal. A pointless nostalgic, thats me. Replaying events of the past is what I love to do. Hey, I know we all have to focus on the future, and all that crap, but if you can eat chocolates to make yourself feel better, I can think about the past and you can't stop me.

I miss having people like Jo and Connie around. Especially during my exams. Coffee with Jo after too much studying, and calling Connie to tell her something random like "eh, i have ponytails". 7 years of friendship, Jo and I. And I'm proud to say, even though I still don't know what the hell she's doing in KL now, I know she's still alive, and we're still around to do little things like commenting on each other's blogs and laughing at Jon's lame antics.

Connie and I, you could call us, unwitting agents of misfortune. I met up with her the last time I was in Brunei for raya, and she's still the same person I knew 7 years ago. except, she gave up on sneakers and she's all about sandals now. We had a couple of falling outs. I guess we were too close and we just gave up on the friendship. Its as such, you see yourself waving to someone you never liked from the start, but when you're hurt by a very close friend, your eyes don't even meet because you never imagined that that person would hurt you. But hey, I do still remember times when we'd laugh so hard our tummies hurt. Times when we'd fight and rush to set the snooker table for a guy we thought was cute, until he smiled one day and his teeth became a major turn off. (He had to set the table himself after that incident at boon's snooker cafe).

I hope to have my 25th birthday with the old gang, to celebrate us getting older, and to celebrate ten years of friendship. October 2010, Brunei, (The Mall.. HAHA.. no freaking way). Okay, its time to focus now.. Back to the books!

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1 comments erdi. last confessed at 1:47 PM
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Wheels up

I got to leave this evening

I can't seem to keep these vultures

Out of my trail

Powers is made, by power being taken

So, I keep on running to protect my situation

Down to the wire

I wanted water

But I'll walk through the fire

If this is what it takes

To take me even higher

Then I'll come through

Like I do, when the world keeps

Testing me, testing me, testing me

-John Mayer, Vultures

The time of the year when little things tick you off because the bigger things still aren't solved yet. I hate the line I walk because I am a firm believer of "Don't bother doing it if what you're doing it for might not be worth it". That attitude of mine clashes with the fact that I am a pessimist and I don't believe that anything, or anyone for that matter, is "worth it". I fear losing. I am consumed in paranoid thoughts of losing. And I am then consumed into a world where nothing lasts because I fear losing, thus, I believe, I will lose it all one day anyway.

Its all in the psychology. When you honestly believe you will lose something, someday soon, you WILL lose it. But I would rather lose something with a pre-thought to losing it, as opposed to thinking life is all flowers and daisies, and one day when you stumble upon shyt, you don't know what to do because you weren't prepared for the worst.

I would like to wake up one day with the sun's rays shining on my face, and the smell of daisies, and a butterfly flapping its beautiful wings near my window. Everyone would. But I would also like to be prepared for the worst so when it rains, I would still remember that at least I woke up and I saw some beautiful things. I don't want to be carrying around an umbrella and a raincoat and flu tablets and get paranoid of getting caught in the rain. I want to run in the rain, soak it up, and smile.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 11:55 PM
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Shall we slow dance in that burning room one last time?

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 7:35 PM
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Pride. Once, K, after labelling me an introvert, told me never to lose my pride to show the people I care that I do really care. Why lose it when its the one thing that made you who you are. A body without a soul is what we are without pride. Break one little rule of yours, they will all break soon and where was the You that you thought You were?

K then went on to interrogate me and soon after, reconfirmed that indeed, I was one of the rare female introverts around after making notes on his imaginary Introvert Checklist. All these from a man I respected after knowing him for a mere 10 mins. I was in awe of this private banker who dropped by my uncle's pub and seeing I wasn't in the mood to talk to a stranger, went on anyway to try to start a conversation. He said that its one of the weird occasions in which an introvert would like some chat time with another introvert.

I told him there was no point in reminding me about pride. I gave it all away to the person who despised me the most. I went on my knees and gave me away. It made me feel empty, I felt as if I've been cheated, by myself. K made me believe I could win back the pride that made me. Refurnish my empty rule book with new rules. What did I learn from that empty experience? Include that in the rule book. I did.

6 months later, I realised the new set of rules I founded has been broken yet again by me. And through these experiences, I also came to realise that I was a happier, more confident person when the rule book was my reference. Now I am going through the phase of filling up the empty pages yet again. I failed myself a couple of times. That doesn't make me a failure. I believe I am still strong enough to try again and I won't ask for success. All I ask for is that I don't give up along the way.

So don't ever ask me to shed my pride. Don't make me explain the things I do. Don't ask me why I am better off at a bistro with a paperback and a soda by myself.

Don't make me.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 9:46 PM
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Bad boys, the city, and how they get away. You see, girls in their tender age, well most of them, fall for the bad guys. The smokers (smoking does not make a person bad, but it doesn't add plus points to the image, and the image per se), the tattoed (tattoos, like smoking, does not make a person bad. All about the image darling, the image, per se), the drunks, the womanizers, etc.

Now, when these girls reach a more mature age, lets say, 21 (god i am getting old), they prefer to settle with the creme de la creme. The men with a good status, a good background, someone with a good image. And so, when they get hurt by these men, they tend to feel the hurt more than when they dated bad boys. Why, you ask? You see, this is where expectations come into play.

You wouldn't feel so hurt when you know the person hurting you was capable of doing it anyway. It was reasonably foreseeable. Therefore, your emotions were in standby mode, and it was easier to take the heavy beating. Because you could direct some of the blame on yourself since you knew what you were getting yourself into. There was that little possibility of bad boys crushing you.

You don't expect a good man to wrap you around his fingers and then all of a sudden, dip you into a pot of hot oil.

I'm not saying we women should all dump the good ones and go weak for the bad ones. I am merely saying, (1) good or bad, in reality, really all depends on image and (2) expectations can take a toll on you.

2 comments erdi. last confessed at 3:27 AM
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Its been a while since the 5 of us went searching for hidden places in tiny Singapore. With Yy selling off his car, Josh having to stick to his girl, Iskandar deciding which girl to stick to, John singing at the same place every night, and me with school and obligations, I guess its about acceptable that we at least still communicate via sms.

So, someone got murdered in a restaurant.. by (pretend to be surprised) an alien.. which falls under the group of 'certain aliens' i was bitching about the other day. Reason: argument over unwashed dishes in the kitchen of the restaurant. Woopeedoo.

To Jo: you're right darls... i miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!
To Uncle Jo: you are lame. are you still reading my blog? kaypoh jua! get a LIFE! hehe...
To Mom: Get uncle jo off my blog! haha.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 10:17 PM
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Quite speechless and unsure of what I want to write about. So, why write? Because I FEEL like it.

I remember, when I was with an ex, and his mom liked me, because she thought I came from a broken family. Pity. She had this look "Aww, you poor little thing you". Expect me to crawl under her warmth. Thats a load of bull. Instead, I became defensive. WHAT THE HELL, don't you look down on me or my family, I thought. Yea, I come from a huge family and we all hate each other sometimes (Don't deny it cousins. hehe). BUT, we're still family, we don't have much of a choice, and if anything, we were all thought to be strong and independent.

When people say something about my lifestyle and my unlimited freedom, they are implying I wasn't brought up the right way. And THAT, people, is the biggest insult towards my family and I.

I have all the freedom in the world. I don't drink, though I used to. I learn from my mistakes. I spend half of that freedom buried in new paperbacks in Borders. I go to clubs, and no, I don't have one night stands just because I club. There's only ONE place I go to, thats where my close friend plays in a band. I listen to the music, thats about it. I have more guy friends because I need to feel a sense of security, and because I have 2 stepbrothers but I never had the chance to know them, thus a replacement of my siblings. My mom doesn't go all crazy when I'm out with my friends all the time. She trusts me enough to trust the people I go out with. I have pride, it is a form of defence weapon for me.

I think my mom brought me up the best way possible, so if you have anything to say about my lifestyle, and the way I was brought up, swallow it my friend. All the freedom in the world doesn't make me a bad person. So much for not having anything to say.

You can sing my song, but you can never have my rhyme.

1 comments erdi. last confessed at 12:51 AM
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I went window shopping the other day, and I stumbled upon a cosmetics store, imports from Korea. The interesting part is, this teenage girl, from China, came up to me and started speaking in her native language. So I said "i'm sorry, i don't speak chinese". For the life of me, i don't know why i bothered explaining myself. (I did understand every word she said by the way).

Call it an experiment, but I wanted to see the reaction. She looked at me as if I'm some ghastly creature. Was it not acceptable that I, a Singaporean, where our national anthem is in Malay, did not know/want to converse in Chinese?

I am getting fed up with the way the Government is opening up its arms to these aliens. The last I remembered, when you go to someone else's country, you respect their culture, their tradition, and possibly, their language. I guess these certain aliens I'm speaking about are pampered by the Government in a way, that they think, they've blended well enough with the majority, to look down on the minority.

Think about it. I don't go to India to work, and speak Malay with everyone there, and look at them weird when they don't understand what the fuck just came out of my mouth.

Hire foreign talents, they say. The streets of Geylang are filling up, people. With 'foreign talents'. God knows, they probably do it 'wushu style' in bed with paying clients. talented indeed, in a foreign way.

I mean, I do respect the English and Americans. They lay low, in their own minority group. So what if they're snobbish? I believe they are contributing to our economy. They deserve a space in tiny Singapore. As opposed to certain aliens. All they do for our country, is, contribute spit to the roadsides.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 11:53 PM
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Sacrifices. People believe, the more you sacrifice, the more you prove your undying love to your other half. I believe if that bond is strong enough, gone is the need to sacrifice.

Falling in love doesn't mean you have to give your life up.

Sacrificing for the sake of love doesn't get you a degree, or that car you've been wanting, etc.

It pays to be selfish sometimes.

me and my 241, we will live our lives. do what we have to, do what we want to, do what we're supposed to do. that doesn't mean i love him any lesser.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 11:30 PM
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It's not a silly little moment

It's not the storm before the calm

This is the deep and dyin breath of

This love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to

So I can feel you in my arms

Nobody's gonna come and save you

We pulled too many false alarms
We're goin down

And you can see it too

We're goin down

And you know that we're doomed

My dear

We're slow dancing in a burnin room
I was the one you always dreamed of

You were the one I tried to draw

How dare you say it's nothing to me

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness

You'll be a bitch because you can

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand

Go cry about it why don't you

Don't you think we oughta know by now

Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow - John Mayer, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 10:12 PM
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The thing about taking your O's in Brunei is, they never explain the criteria you need to get you where you want. Communication is key. I remember when I was done with my O's, I headed to all the polytechnics in Singapore, and tried my luck getting into Mass Comm, and a few other courses. The first question they asked was, Do you have a credit in any humanities subject? What the hell is a humanities subject, I thought.

Only later did I realise, when I chose Computer Science over POA for my O's, I decided my fate without realising it. An unfortunate fate which led to me not being eligible to enter for almost all the courses I really wanted to get into. I mean, look at it this way. You're in Form 4, you have a few excess subjects you wanna get rid off to concentrate on the core ones. I dropped Religious Studies (duh) and I wanted Literature (but nooo.... only 1 student out of the whole SAS intake in my year wanted that, so why waste manpower on me right....). I was left to choose between Computer and Principle of Accounts. Besides that I already had 3 pure sciences, chem, bio, physics, add math, d math, english and malay. I had to make the 8th choice. So I chose Computer, since, I thought, we're in the modern age (and the sight of the thick POA book threw me off). No one told me POA was a humanities subject. No one told me Computer wasn't.

I was left with Chemical Engineering, Nursing, and all the courses not worth mentioning. Halfway through Chem Eng, I realised I HATED it. So, all that was a waste of time.

I propose a compulsory counselling session for Form 4 students in Brunei before they blindly choose their paths, like I did.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 2:36 PM
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the cold weather is giving me the lazy bones. i'm one eye blind, and 3 hours off today due to a messy situation with the contact lens which is basically attached permanently to my eyeball, and my phone which died on me last night when i dropped it. Apparently, its 1st Jan 2005, 10 am right now according to my phone.

i am loving the weather. but i need a kick to get me started on my books. caffeine?