[-clandestine-] [-annotations-]

i guess what bothers me, is when i'm in a current situation, i tend to be in a standstill, for a little more than a long while. and that brings an assumption that thats me. the person the boys think i would be, for the rest of my life.

is it foreign to them, i wonder, that i've evolved into someone i never wanted to be from the very beginning. i hate being weak in the knees. i am weak in the knees.

but after an indirect affirmation, i believe, now, that i'm, again, back to the 'same old'.

so, goodnight boys.. you know who you are. and yes, i'm back to that person you all know, even if it means i'm unhappy with what i am. because being the 'foreign' me is just awkward given whatever situation.

the solo has me bound

1 comments erdi. last confessed at 3:05 AM
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guilt clashes with ego

you feel sorry for what you've done, guilt sinks in. with a clash of ego. do you apologise? no, instead you make it harder for the other party. why? because you can't say sorry. no, your ego overrides the guilt system. so you leave. leave that person, you can't live without her but you don't want to live with her and the guilt thats killing you inside.

and you take another life, to forget her, and live free of whatever is killing you inside and concentrate on this new life. and slowly you learn to love this new life. and the same thing happens. what a tragedy. you run again.

and after a few of those, you sit and recollect the memories. who exactly did you ever love? you can't remember cos you left each and every one of them. you're left with you and your alter ego.

thats why i believe love doesn't only come once in a lifetime. it comes, it goes. only when you're ready to accept yourself, then you can finally reach your arms out to accept what it really is, whatever it means.

its all written, you, your life. but it only takes judgment when you accept it.

steven smith, we all lose,
grab that gun, and we'll drive around,
till its quiet.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 2:05 PM
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i was watching a show, in which the leading actress said 'the best education is adversity'. to a certain extent, it is quite true. then again, i believe that not all beings are willing to open their eyes to realise that each and every failure is a lesson learnt. like most typical people i know, they go by the 'sway' beliefs. when they stumble upon something that allows them the opportunity to learn, they say 'damn sway sia'.

for others though, they start making their own rules, and block themselves away from the realm. their mentality is as such: why learn and go through the same shyt? might as well not go through it at all.
they build barricades to shut themselves away from potential mishaps. but what they don't realise is that, the stronger the front they put up, the weaker they get inside. sounds familiar? well, i used to be one of them.

i guess it takes a couple of stages to finally be wise enough to learn from mistakes. first, you think 'damn sway sia'. then u build barricades. then slowly you realise you can't hide forever and grow to be wise enough to survive.

so its really a matter of experience. i guess you can judge a person by all these... the ones who go by the sway notion are really childish. the ones who block themselves out are not so childish, not so wise either. and the ones who learn are wise. the ones who write about it though, are confused. like me. haha.

have a great weekend.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 5:23 PM
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i wore your ring tonight, and like a tracking system, you came to me and told me how much you missed me. you looked pretty, especially with that maroon rouge stain on your right cheek.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 4:07 AM
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too good to be true

i think i've turned into a sceptic.

my colleagues and i were talking about men. sk still believed in love fairytales. ew was way over believing, and would gladly settle for a rich man, without loving him. i guess once again, i was stuck in the middle. wanting to believe, yet being sceptical to it.

sk: sooo..... would u marry a rich man without loving him, just loving the money and pampering?
ew: yes!
sk: not asking you.. i already know your answer... earth to erdiana!
eh: errrmm...
sk: ok nevermind. this will take up our whole lunchbreak.

was about to write a whole essay on this issue, but the terrible weather is taking a toll on me.

goodnight, and go figure.

too good to be true

2 comments erdi. last confessed at 12:33 AM
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to all you brunei people.. that 'Hanadi' who beat Malaysia's #1 junior in tennis.. thats MY half brother... and he'll kick more arses in Qatar in november.. kudos bro!!!!

while you're soaking in the sun, and whacking balls back and forth, i'm stuck in this hell hole preparing writs. i envy you, i do. hehe.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 10:43 PM
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joanita, i need you now. you said we're under the same sky, and i miss you more.
so much has come our way. how do you feel sitting next to someone sobbing over the miseries, that to us, are really nothing? i've used up every ounce of energy to be there for people i can never seem to understand, their miseries that to me, i would kill to have and flood them with mine in exchange.

i need your balcony, and that antique bottle of dry gin, laced with freshly plucked lime. and rotten smokes. i need to talk about the leeches, and see the boys in your wig collection. aunt laura looks peaceful in that sarong, and the chicks named after the gang. erdi eats, jon humps.. jo lays eggs? i can't remember, but i know it was all good, when we shoved our worries into a little compartment, and live life the way it should be lived.

and jackie! where has he gone to? the one we feared, then loved as a big brother..

oh and my patio, where you, jon, titi and i sat on my birthday and stared at the stars, cos the boys lost to connie in that ps soccer game. and that 6 pack we hid under my bed and didnt finish it anyway.. (sorry mummy! hehe)..

and of course, that trip of possessed sheep, fast horses, sandflies, doner kebabs, monkey pub, its getting hot in herre!

till i see you again, and have a sarong sleepover party with mini baileys, and indian poker. goodnight lurve.

1 comments erdi. last confessed at 12:24 AM
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i do not like laughing at other people's funeral ceremonies. i find it rude. but while watching the news today, i couldn't control myself.

the learned, late Mr Lim Kim San's funeral, was attended by almost all the honourable people of Singapore today. i mourned his passing with them, as a sign of respect, for i can't deny the fact that i really don't know who he is, but apparently he did good for the country.

so our learned senior minister, as a testimonial for Mr Lim Kim San, said, ,'he had a Never-say-die attitude'.. i dont know about you, but i found it hilarious.

ok, go figure.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 9:24 PM
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october bleeds a melancholy spell, you and i we breathe the rose scented letters of our coming day, content with that quintessential pride of being remembered. are we really? and how? how do we want to be remembered? october, you have caused me a life to live, and when i fail, you are to blame for giving me a life of failures.

merman, daddy, we are but the puppets of dear october. complicated casts..

october, you produced such diverse individuals, yet a family of bonded creatures. i hate and love your products. i feel with them, i feel for them, i want to feel towards them but i can't.

october, i love you for giving me something. but i hate you for what you gave me.

2 comments erdi. last confessed at 11:59 PM
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ride the whims of your mind
commanding in another world
suddenly you hear and see
this magic new dimension
i am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity -queensryche 'silent lucidity'

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 8:40 PM
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i saw you under the neons, the wrinkles of laughters in your yesteryears. swaying to the bass of that music which belonged in your era, which has been remade to appeal to the younger ones. you don't care. for you owned that time when the song was written. it reminded you of that shiny disco ball, replaced now by ultraviolets. an extra e minor chord strummed to the original. realise the change. that doll-like hair of yours represents the inner youth in you. they laugh and mock the way you dance. i love you, for you block them out and live the way you want to. you are you and no one else. you are that 40 yr old stranger dancing with whatever you have left. i saw you, and i want to respect you. you are the endangered few of what a real human can be.

i saw you, i moved to your music. i see pain in you. you never shed a tear, and you haven't for a year now after your dad passed. you and i, we laugh with a certain pain in between. should we be laughing that hard when we've got troubles along the way. we should, i said once, for we need to move on. are we? we looked deep into each other when the words 'sometimes you can't make it on your own' came on. thats why we're still here, after 2 years, to pull each other back up again. you are my dark force. a force to keep me in check, when i'm in the dark solitude of my surreal sanctuary.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 2:22 AM
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same shyt different day. a bond, defined, is a uniting force or tie. what may be just a mutual bond between two parties may be perceived as love to another. love, the all unknowing element that brings about an extra sense to us beings. emotional sense, love between friends, love between lovers, love between a mother and a child. a triangular shaped, transparent string that ties us to each other. talk about heartstrings. why a triangular shape? because i want to be enclosed in the pyramid. its me, you and the unknowing element thats all bound. without that element? a string to hold , just hold and not bind two people together. space for more, easy access, easy escape.

the flu tablet is giving me the highs. i took one, and now i'm down in a surreal timezone. i cant concentrate, so goodnight.

happy bonding.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 10:15 PM
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the following is purely a discussion based on the mentality of englishmen in singapore, so i refuse to accept suits claiming that i have de-famed the nation. bloodsuckers. heh.

i was out with a couple of white dudes, colleagues of a dear friend. do i sound like an spg? yes? typical. in this region, you're either a typical kiasu-ian if you hang out with your type, or an spg if you prefer the company of the minorities. spgs' aside, the discussion today is on us kiasu-ians.

so what is the impression we leave on white people? i asked one of the englishmen as he was leaving for uk that very night and he said, and i quote, 'i don't know. i work in an office located on the top floor so every lunch time, these dudes don't talk much, so only on my way back or to lunch in the lift, they'd ask, "eat already?" "where?" "how much?", and if it so happens that the lift hasn't gotten to their levels yet, there'd be an awkward silence.. seriously, is that the most interesting conversation you people can come up with?' unquote.

is it really?

and we were also laughing at what kiasu-ians would sacrifice their lunchtime on. once, the englishmen was on his way to the bank and saw a long queue, thinking it was the queue to the bank. only after he got in line for 15 mins did he realise that the bank was rather empty. people were queuing for..... a free loaf of bread.

i work in a multiracial firm, and its funny how the stereotypes are like here in kiasuland.

when we see minahs walk with that curious huge lump appearing around their tummy, my 2 colleagues would turn at me and say 'your kind of people'.

when we walk past singapore pools during lunch and see a long queue, we'd turn to another colleague and say the same.

i have more to say but i'll post it another time. for now, its time to meet up with the fridays. a midweek breather if you must.

thanks hor!

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 9:14 PM
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the music industry in singapore seems to be expanding. what it means really is, more people, more dreams. what i'm afraid of is the pathetic support in the industry. i went for the annual baybeats held at the esplanade today. one of singapore's leading bands were humiliated to the core. a free concert featuring the local bands and a couple of aussie, and norway bands, were meant to showcase our local talents. but what a major turn off with the crowd shouting, 'my mother' and 'we want fuck'.

support is really important when it comes to fame. i have no doubt that our local bands have a lot of talent. heck, a quarter of my huge playlist features local bands. but how far can they go with the mentality of the youth here?

i was clad in my most comfortable pair of jeans, and tee. i planned to head for the mosh pit.. do a little screaming, and jump and have a blast. when i got there, the locals had their arms folded, as though in a tantrum. they were staring at the whites who were actually having fun with our local music with that 'wtf' look on their faces. hello? isn't this our country? the foreigners should be staring at us.

somehow, baybeats gave me that little bit of inspiration to work on a song i wrote a couple of weeks ago, which was left incomplete in that little tattered notebook of mine along with other incomplete songs. i honestly hope the so called support group in singapore will evolve into what their name suggests.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 10:42 PM
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the other day, i wrote about my 2 favourite people. today, i'm writing about 2 people i USED to love.

my fluff girl
you fabricate your life with narrative colours to get that uplifting and attention you crave from people who don't seem to care. in the process of doing so, you crush the people who loved you from the start, when you were just being you. you were always there for us, and we weren't, you claimed. tell me then, why were the rest of us clinging on to each other without you?

as much as i want to be able to trust you, i just can't. you make it seem as if lies are better than the truth, because to you, the truth is just too bland. but how colourful can a black and white portrait get?

so, goodbye. you said we were born to compete, the 2 fighting cocks forced to compete, though of the same species, in our case, blood. but you dont realise that you have evolved into a real fighter with no heart. all you think of now, is to fight till you're satisfied. till you see me breathless in that little box.

but you won't now. coz you haven't won. it was just a forfeit cos i walked away.

my ex-cavated
she's beautiful, and you are too. you both have so much in common so stop shoving it in my face. i bet she doesn't have brains, cos u don't, and you both seem to click really well.

summary speech
the above, could be my affidavit for a petition of nullity. it was a great saturday for me, with a pack of menthols, zappel, and instant noodles. until he started chatting to me. i hate it when he knows that i clearly don't want to have anything to do with him, yet, i still want to maintain that friendly bond just for old times sake. and he shoves his new love life, and how good he's been in my face. and gives me the feeling that the 'old times' are just not good enough.

if i could, i'd write a letter of demand to the abovementioned people, demanding the time, and effort i put in back then. then we'd all be even. ungrateful buggers. where are the REAL people?

happy fabricating.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 2:43 PM
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the need for a better perspective on life. thats what we all need. just a dose of it. my line of work is the negative spark in my needing for a positivity. why have a family when i see the number of divorce cases every single day? why earn so much when you're gonna get sued by your childhood friend for the amount you make in a year? why drive at a reasonable speed when you're gonna get hit by a speeding vehicle and cause you blindness in one eye?

so would you rather be the risk taker, and risk hurting others?

or would you rather be safe and careful, and then be a victim of the above kind?

it applies to a lot of things.

the simple example of being in love. would you take risks and have a blast and not stick to the usual routine of saying 'i love you' before and after sleep, and go all out? and risk hurting the person you love?
or would you be safe and careful... stick to the damn routine, and get hurt in the end?

another example. smoking.

would you rather smoke and risk killing others?
or would you rather not smoke and get killed by passive smoking?

the very, and only essence of life is that you have to learn from your own mistakes. there are no fucking statutes in which you can look up for say a breach in a relationship. or failure to comply with your girlfriend's expectations.

but what happens when you've gone through hell and back, and your closest buddy's crying over something really minor compared to what you've gone through and you try but cant have any sense of pity towards him because you're almost immune to minor things he calls 'depressing'.

would you be a good friend and stay safe and fake an 'aww' and a hug?
or would you rather take the risk and wake him up and tell him there are worse things in this life and risk losing him in the end?

i miss being around real people. i miss you ian, fana, john, oh and you too andyhardy. haha.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 12:15 AM
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sigmund freud, the one man who actually had the time to analyse how the libido grows in a person. go do some research, and tell me if its pure brilliance, or utter nonsense. for the sake of information, i shall list the stages down:

1) oral stage (exemplified by an infant's pleasure in nursing)
2) anal stage (exemplified by a toddler's pleasure in controlling his or her bowels)
3) phallic stage (where the child fixated on the mother as a sexual object, known as the Oedipus Complex but that the child eventually overcame and repressed this desire because of its taboo nature.The lesser known Electra complex refers to such a fixation upon the father.)
4) puberty

note: mom, this is what i have to learn if i take criminology soooo don't start calling me and demanding answers for my 'rated' post.

freud also analysed dreams. he believed that things you dream about represents something else. one of his examples includes :- cigar=penis.

read more of it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigmund_Freud#Psychosexual_development

psychosexual development aside, i've been thinking a lot about 2 of the many favourite people in my life. both so distinct, yet similar.

for ian and john :-

its sad to see we've all walked away from our comfort zone, into the world we once feared. we used to hide in our own little sanctuary and share what we've been through to gear each other up for The Day when we will go under the sun again.

but we all failed someway or the other. and the fact that all of us refuse to confide in each other now, for fear that the other can't face our problems, let alone their own, is just too much.

'I get lost in your eyes and I cant help but feel like I'll never find love there again.. ' familiar?

at least we all tried. i admire your strength. my merman, and my darkforce.

'we have got to take cover, brothers' - The Organ, Brother.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 9:13 PM
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So the 'smoke free' campaign worked its wonders. I now live in a place where i have to seek pathetic tiny yellow boxes to light a cigarette. Soon, they'll ban cigarettes in public all for once. Then smokers can only smoke at their own homes, and kill their children. How consoling. Anyway, i don't have much to blog about. It is a sunday after all, and my mind is in sleep mode.

Uncle Jo, if you're reading this, you must be
a) bored
b) getting old and boring
c) trying not to snack on anything, thus keeping yourself busy
d) laughing at us smokers
e) all of the above.

Hello to Jo, Jon, Uncle Jo (the three Js), and Mummy!!

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 7:42 PM
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funny.. my colleagues and i were talking about work, and why we waste so much time drafting out 'almost perfect' letters to people, only to have them call us at the office and say, 'HUH.. what do u mean HORR?'...

so we came up with a thoughtful plan.. why not we go to people's houses and spray paint 'OWE MONEY PAY MONEY' on their doors and splatter red paint.. that way, they'd get the idea.. and save us the trouble of having to re-send a dozen letters to them and converse on the phone with people who don't seem to understand simple english.

i don't know if i've mentioned this, but the other day, my colleagues and i realised we were getting old.... we were happily singing along to the songs on the radio.. songs we grew up with.. the ever lame backstreet boys, cher, etc... with our consultant in his car, on the way to the country club.. we were wondering what radio station it was cos it seemed to be playing songs of our generation.. Lo n Behold!! it was "class" 95 fm... the one obvious way to know you're getting old..

happy wrinkling.. prune.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 1:37 AM
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i do not run on duracell you arsewipes. please just shoot me. r i g h t. we don't 'please' people. so i shall rephrase. kindly shoot me. if i could surf the internet at work, i'd be posting bitchy comments every other minute. then again, i wouldn't have the time.

0 comments erdi. last confessed at 7:37 PM
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men have turned into bitchy beings, pms-ing throughout the day. i long to quit my job. working for 2 people at the same time, both with different styles, and both demanding that their load gets done first is just too hectic for me. the reason i'm staying? experience, and a stamp of 'survivor' on my forehead. i'm overworked and underpaid. weekends aren't as relaxing as i thought. i leave the office on friday, thinking about monday. i stayed up once, in the office till almost midnight, and the radio is my saviour. once, a colleague and i forgot to turn off the radio in the morning when the introverted arse walked in, and he demanded we turn it off. gone are the sounds of coldplay and as soon as the office turned into a morgue, he made it harder by blasting the soundtrack of mission impossible. yes, the instrumental one. when we cursed silently, he changed it to opera.

i've been drafting out fucking affidavits and garnishee orders, some of which my older colleagues have never done even after working for almost a year. do they see something in me that says 'give me the hard job?'. and when i draft out terrible ones, they say 'you have to learn to ask your colleagues'. oh yes, i've asked them a trillion times, and they all have never even heard of the word 'garnishee order'. so what the fuck am i supposed to do? wait for God to tell me?

in the meantime, since i'm already in charge of the harder stuff, and they'd probably drop dead if i left (not trying to sound proud but they'd face hell if there's no one to blame), i should just look for another job where i can work for ONE person, with a BETTER pay before i drop dead. i'll give it 2 more weeks.