Tuesday, May 30, 2006
an ode to my insatiable hopes
far away in what could be so picturesque
look up in the painted skies for what you desire
cry to the ground when its all just a pathetic dream
the swollen fists thats beaten up to too much failure
the heavy eyes thats cried out to too much disappointment
the shattered heart that has stopped pumping with more adrenaline
you're just a lifeless body stumbling, waiting for a rebirth
an old man sits by the door, wondering when he'd stop breathing
you think to yourself, why live and wait to die when you're still alive
then he answers, 'i haven't done anything in my life to cherish those moments, and its too late now'.
so the rush and adrenaline comes back
so much to do, the clock's ticking
you fill yourself up with all the things to accomplish
'just don't fail this time', you say.
your fate has yet to be decided, then, down came the rain
-erdiana, 'down came the rain'
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erdi. last confessed at 8:03 PM
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missing the girls. i guess different crowds bring out the different 'you'.
with them, i was out of the ordinary, and yet, it was just me. it was being fun without even planning to have fun. the feeling, every morning, of waking up feeling as though the world had just collided with your head, and you have no sense of urgency to get to class at all, then suddenly you receive a message from them, and you're up and ready to head down to have a little fun.
now of course, all of us are headed in different directions. and just looking at the pictures we took in school can remind us of old jokes, be it lame or funny. it didn't matter, well, not to us at least.
anyway, i realise i've been a little too direct nowadays. long ago, it used to be fear of what people thought if i told them things honestly. i used to feel guilty for lying, even when its a mere white lie. now, i feel guilty for being too direct.. for example, the other day, i was asking a certain someone if she'd lost some weight. so she replied, ' really?? i did?'... and of course i took a second glance and just said 'oh, no... you're just wearing looser clothes today'... and i didn't even realise it until someone kicked my foot underneath the table.
then again, i think its better to lose friends for being direct, than to lose them for lying.
anyway, the exams are almost over. and my career starts with the blink of an eye. was given a couple of chances to work in a couple of firms, under recommendation. but i'm pushing away the offers.
how can you be successful when that success didnt start from you in the first place. i'm not the type of person to be 'recommended' or work in my uncle's wife's sister's sister-in law's company just because i'm a relative or a friend of a friend's father. i want to taste every drop of that success, and know that it was all worth the sweat, the pain, the blood.
i should stop blabbering on success now, i'll just carry on trying to study for the last paper..
till then.
__________
Monday, May 29, 2006
missing the girls. i guess different crowds bring out the different 'you'.
with them, i was out of the ordinary, and yet, it was just me. it was being fun without even planning to have fun. the feeling, every morning, of waking up feeling as though the world had just collided with your head, and you have no sense of urgency to get to class at all, then suddenly you receive a message from them, and you're up and ready to head down to have a little fun.
now of course, all of us are headed in different directions. and just looking at the pictures we took in school can remind us of old jokes, be it lame or funny. it didn't matter, well, not to us at least.
anyway, i realise i've been a little too direct nowadays. long ago, it used to be fear of what people thought if i told them things honestly. i used to feel guilty for lying, even when its a mere white lie. now, i feel guilty for being too direct.. for example, the other day, i was asking a certain someone if she'd lost some weight. so she replied, ' really?? i did?'... and of course i took a second glance and just said 'oh, no... you're just wearing looser clothes today'... and i didn't even realise it until someone kicked my foot underneath the table.
then again, i think its better to lose friends for being direct, than to lose them for lying.
anyway, the exams are almost over. and my career starts with the blink of an eye. was given a couple of chances to work in a couple of firms, under recommendation. but i'm pushing away the offers.
how can you be successful when that success didnt start from you in the first place. i'm not the type of person to be 'recommended' or work in my uncle's wife's sister's sister-in law's company just because i'm a relative or a friend of a friend's father. i want to taste every drop of that success, and know that it was all worth the sweat, the pain, the blood.
i should stop blabbering on success now, i'll just carry on trying to study for the last paper..
till then.
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erdi. last confessed at 8:20 PM
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i'm back with a review of the Da Vinci Code movie. especially for those of you in Brunei who can't get to watch it. i would give it a 6/10. decided to view the audience halfway through the movie, and half were basically asleep. it could've been that the movie was boring. but another factor also arose, the timing we got was at 2am.
the movie did not bring justice to the book. those who haven't read the book before watching the movie were caught clueless.
but for those who've read it.. it was good! i enjoyed it and wouldn't mind watching it again.
loved the part when Sir Teabing analysed the Last Supper.
but given the choice if i would read the book OR watch the movie, i'd stick to the book. the movie was rather rushed.
anyway, i'm in the midst of another novel. A Plea for Eros. anyway, i haven't been updating due to my exams. last paper is on the first of june, so embrace yourselves for a 'fun-ner me'.
__________
Sunday, May 28, 2006
i'm back with a review of the Da Vinci Code movie. especially for those of you in Brunei who can't get to watch it. i would give it a 6/10. decided to view the audience halfway through the movie, and half were basically asleep. it could've been that the movie was boring. but another factor also arose, the timing we got was at 2am.
the movie did not bring justice to the book. those who haven't read the book before watching the movie were caught clueless.
but for those who've read it.. it was good! i enjoyed it and wouldn't mind watching it again.
loved the part when Sir Teabing analysed the Last Supper.
but given the choice if i would read the book OR watch the movie, i'd stick to the book. the movie was rather rushed.
anyway, i'm in the midst of another novel. A Plea for Eros. anyway, i haven't been updating due to my exams. last paper is on the first of june, so embrace yourselves for a 'fun-ner me'.
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erdi. last confessed at 7:12 PM
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like that englishman in new york, i've never felt a sense of belonging. in brunei, i was known as the girl from singapore. in singapore, i'm known as the girl from brunei. the phrase 'international student' sticks out like a sore thumb when my papers are being read. but aren't we all just creatures of a universe.
moving around has made me physically, and mentally exhausted. is there a place i call home? no, not yet.
i dream of a place where i can go home to, a place of my own where i can read a great novel, without having to worry if the neighbour's cat would come in and terrorise me. a place where i can play my kind of music without the sound of someone else's music booming in the background. my place.
maybe i'm just not used to having people around, being an only child. have i turned into a selfish person by hoping for all these? have i not been selfless enough, allowing the people who i live with to have it their way and just suffocate to their likings?
i guess i'll just have to live with it for a little while more.
__________
Saturday, May 20, 2006
like that englishman in new york, i've never felt a sense of belonging. in brunei, i was known as the girl from singapore. in singapore, i'm known as the girl from brunei. the phrase 'international student' sticks out like a sore thumb when my papers are being read. but aren't we all just creatures of a universe.
moving around has made me physically, and mentally exhausted. is there a place i call home? no, not yet.
i dream of a place where i can go home to, a place of my own where i can read a great novel, without having to worry if the neighbour's cat would come in and terrorise me. a place where i can play my kind of music without the sound of someone else's music booming in the background. my place.
maybe i'm just not used to having people around, being an only child. have i turned into a selfish person by hoping for all these? have i not been selfless enough, allowing the people who i live with to have it their way and just suffocate to their likings?
i guess i'll just have to live with it for a little while more.
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erdi. last confessed at 1:06 PM
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things change. for better or worse, it depends on how you see it.
its like a game of chess. one wrong move. and you wonder if the result would be the same if you had not made that move. though you know for a fucking fact that it wouldn't.
its a two way thing, of course. just like the yin and yang. that wrong move would cause a loss. or, in some cases, you see it as an accidental move, that funnily, gave you better chances at winning.
but when it comes to relationships, people are more sceptical to the thought of a wrong move constituting to a good result.
oh well. i have to get to my books.
happy vesak day.
__________
Friday, May 12, 2006
things change. for better or worse, it depends on how you see it.
its like a game of chess. one wrong move. and you wonder if the result would be the same if you had not made that move. though you know for a fucking fact that it wouldn't.
its a two way thing, of course. just like the yin and yang. that wrong move would cause a loss. or, in some cases, you see it as an accidental move, that funnily, gave you better chances at winning.
but when it comes to relationships, people are more sceptical to the thought of a wrong move constituting to a good result.
oh well. i have to get to my books.
happy vesak day.
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erdi. last confessed at 11:28 AM
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suffocated in the deep volume of loud thumps and mouthings. of which i'm in the centre of the chaotic scene. i believe when you turn ignorant, people tend to get more attracted to you when they need to talk.
its three whole different atmospheres. its one thing to lend a shoulder, another to give advice, and another to say what they want to hear, just so they'd think, 'hey, finally someone understands me. she's on my side!'.
but these things are often misconstrued, and people tend to merge them together, and label these as what 'friends' can do.
lets take the example of bitching.
scenario (1)- 'lending a shoulder'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: *silence* (with a sympathetic smile)
outcome--- person thinks, 'hmm, guess i should talk to someone else abt it..thanks anyway'
scenario (2)- 'giving advice'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: well, if you can't stand her, just ignore her and pretend she's not there then.
outcome--- person thinks, 'hmm, thats quite true. but aren't you gonna bitch together with me. it'd be fun'
scenario (3)- 'saying what they want to hear'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: yea man, thats true. and that nose needs a job, pronto!
outcome--- person thinks, 'friend'.
scenario (4)- 'the merger'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: *sympathetic smile* if you can't stand her, just ignore her and pretend she's not there then. and its quite true. besides, that nose needs a job, pronto!
outcome--- 'a good friend in need is a good friend indeed'
childish! bah!
have a nice day.
__________
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
suffocated in the deep volume of loud thumps and mouthings. of which i'm in the centre of the chaotic scene. i believe when you turn ignorant, people tend to get more attracted to you when they need to talk.
its three whole different atmospheres. its one thing to lend a shoulder, another to give advice, and another to say what they want to hear, just so they'd think, 'hey, finally someone understands me. she's on my side!'.
but these things are often misconstrued, and people tend to merge them together, and label these as what 'friends' can do.
lets take the example of bitching.
scenario (1)- 'lending a shoulder'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: *silence* (with a sympathetic smile)
outcome--- person thinks, 'hmm, guess i should talk to someone else abt it..thanks anyway'
scenario (2)- 'giving advice'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: well, if you can't stand her, just ignore her and pretend she's not there then.
outcome--- person thinks, 'hmm, thats quite true. but aren't you gonna bitch together with me. it'd be fun'
scenario (3)- 'saying what they want to hear'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: yea man, thats true. and that nose needs a job, pronto!
outcome--- person thinks, 'friend'.
scenario (4)- 'the merger'
person: hey, i can't stand that bitch. freaking freeloader.
you: *sympathetic smile* if you can't stand her, just ignore her and pretend she's not there then. and its quite true. besides, that nose needs a job, pronto!
outcome--- 'a good friend in need is a good friend indeed'
childish! bah!
have a nice day.
0 comments
erdi. last confessed at 4:35 PM
__________
i'm so sick of people trying to set me up with fellow single-liers. its about the same as being forced into an arranged marriage. i just have to relay a funny incident that happened a couple of weeks ago.
so the guys n i were at rouge when josh suddenly pulled me to a bouncer (B1) and introduced me to that bulky looking guard. he claims B1 is interested in me and somehow, he looked more excited than i did..
josh: omg. really, he SO has the hots for you la sayang!! he kept on asking abt u!
me: o h k a y.
josh: REALLY!!!!
me: yea, okay..
josh: i'm serious sayang!
me: YA OK....
so we all headed home, after a night of josh's girlfriend sticking her thumb in people's mouth, and kissing the wrong people, and what nots (don't ask. simply put, the effect of alcohol on her is beyond normal).
about a few days after (the day i went swimming), we all ended up, at rouge again (with my gym attire). and as i was indulging in good music, josh grabbed my arm and pointed at B2, a darker looking bouncer.
josh: eh! thats the guy who's interested in you. remember?
me: erm, no.. thats a whole different person.
josh: no its not!! its the one from the other night!
me: josh, i swear it was a different guy. are you drunk?!
josh: noLAHHH... its the same guy..
after arguing for a while, josh pulled me to B2 and made me 'acknowledge my presence'. B2 smiled, and displayed half a set of teeth (i'm serious, the guy was half teeth-less!) and i just ignored josh's ranting on how it was the 'same dude'. Lo and behold! as we walked out of rouge, we bumped into B1. josh turned pale and said,
"sayang, i think you were right. its this one, not the other one. sorryyyyyyyyyy"
goodness. its one thing to set me up and another thing to get the facts right before you set me up josh! haha. so now, B1 likes me. B2 thinks i like him. Josh is confused. so what the hell am i?
ignorance is bliss.
oh and do you realise, when it comes to infatuation, every single person is a kid at heart.
ooo, he likes her.. oooo she likes him... oooooooooo.... well enough of that.
anyway, one of the nights we were at rouge, after john played his 1st set, he and i went to get ciggies and talked for a bit. he said something about 2 people i know. and told me, "where do you get all these mad people. they're eating you up inside, and you know it!"
its funny, you know, i think everyone has that 'certain someone' they can talk to about anything under the sun. yet, that person can be really strange at times. and they're capable of doing anything to hurt you, but they haven't. but the thought of it makes you want to stray away from them, even if it means, losing the ability to have someone to talk to.
2 kinds of people i think are the worst kinds.
the ones who talk too much as though they know everything, and when you correct them, they twist it and say "ya. thats what i was saying.."
and
the cunning ones who analyse your every move and every word you say to them. those are the ones who prefer to portray immaturity, and use it as an advantage to add to their "hidden" maturity, if you understand what i'm trying to say.
i just can't put it into words. i think i've been studying too much. or not. haha.
study beckons!
__________
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
i'm so sick of people trying to set me up with fellow single-liers. its about the same as being forced into an arranged marriage. i just have to relay a funny incident that happened a couple of weeks ago.
so the guys n i were at rouge when josh suddenly pulled me to a bouncer (B1) and introduced me to that bulky looking guard. he claims B1 is interested in me and somehow, he looked more excited than i did..
josh: omg. really, he SO has the hots for you la sayang!! he kept on asking abt u!
me: o h k a y.
josh: REALLY!!!!
me: yea, okay..
josh: i'm serious sayang!
me: YA OK....
so we all headed home, after a night of josh's girlfriend sticking her thumb in people's mouth, and kissing the wrong people, and what nots (don't ask. simply put, the effect of alcohol on her is beyond normal).
about a few days after (the day i went swimming), we all ended up, at rouge again (with my gym attire). and as i was indulging in good music, josh grabbed my arm and pointed at B2, a darker looking bouncer.
josh: eh! thats the guy who's interested in you. remember?
me: erm, no.. thats a whole different person.
josh: no its not!! its the one from the other night!
me: josh, i swear it was a different guy. are you drunk?!
josh: noLAHHH... its the same guy..
after arguing for a while, josh pulled me to B2 and made me 'acknowledge my presence'. B2 smiled, and displayed half a set of teeth (i'm serious, the guy was half teeth-less!) and i just ignored josh's ranting on how it was the 'same dude'. Lo and behold! as we walked out of rouge, we bumped into B1. josh turned pale and said,
"sayang, i think you were right. its this one, not the other one. sorryyyyyyyyyy"
goodness. its one thing to set me up and another thing to get the facts right before you set me up josh! haha. so now, B1 likes me. B2 thinks i like him. Josh is confused. so what the hell am i?
ignorance is bliss.
oh and do you realise, when it comes to infatuation, every single person is a kid at heart.
ooo, he likes her.. oooo she likes him... oooooooooo.... well enough of that.
anyway, one of the nights we were at rouge, after john played his 1st set, he and i went to get ciggies and talked for a bit. he said something about 2 people i know. and told me, "where do you get all these mad people. they're eating you up inside, and you know it!"
its funny, you know, i think everyone has that 'certain someone' they can talk to about anything under the sun. yet, that person can be really strange at times. and they're capable of doing anything to hurt you, but they haven't. but the thought of it makes you want to stray away from them, even if it means, losing the ability to have someone to talk to.
2 kinds of people i think are the worst kinds.
the ones who talk too much as though they know everything, and when you correct them, they twist it and say "ya. thats what i was saying.."
and
the cunning ones who analyse your every move and every word you say to them. those are the ones who prefer to portray immaturity, and use it as an advantage to add to their "hidden" maturity, if you understand what i'm trying to say.
i just can't put it into words. i think i've been studying too much. or not. haha.
study beckons!
0 comments
erdi. last confessed at 12:04 PM
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thats has and i at a wine bar in esplanade quite a while ago.
last night, i went out with the guys for a road trip. it was, i must admit, the best thing we've done as a group for a really long time. no alcohol, no ugly sight of intoxicated people making out. just talk, and a lot of fresh air.
was gonna preach a little.. but i have to go.. so be patient for lots of sarcasm and bitching later on.
__________
Monday, May 08, 2006
thats has and i at a wine bar in esplanade quite a while ago.
last night, i went out with the guys for a road trip. it was, i must admit, the best thing we've done as a group for a really long time. no alcohol, no ugly sight of intoxicated people making out. just talk, and a lot of fresh air.
was gonna preach a little.. but i have to go.. so be patient for lots of sarcasm and bitching later on.