big baby shower bash at the mandarin hotel last night. red wine and a 9 course dinner for a one month old baby, who'd never even remember last night when he grows up. i wonder how much my boss spent for ten tables of people, most of which are big clients.

i could've spent it with J on his birthday, just like i did exactly a year ago. starry skies, light beer and personal conversation.

instead, i was indulged in scallops and sharp wine, and a lot of professional talk, which left me feeling like i wasted the night away, though i did feel a sense of partial satisfaction, knowing that this was what i wanted, and i'm living it right in front of my own eyes.

of course, i wish i could do both at one time, and its not about it being the ultimate impossible, rather, its more of leaving what i enjoyed once, to getting what i want now.

a sense of emptiness, but with it comes satisfaction. i'm locked in this position until i get my idea right, and know exactly what i'm willing to sacrifice.

but i know where i'm deviating from..

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