Friday, April 20, 2007
When you seek comfort in those who come and go, and believe that the ones closest to you are hopeless in caring for you, just remember...
i might not still be waiting for you to realise i was here from the start
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erdi. last confessed at 12:58 PM
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They tell you to stop pretending you're strong. What do you do? Will you crumble or defeat the forces thats pulling you down? Keep your chin up high? Or be the brittle weakling that you really are? You can be a warrior and walk to the arena with bare hands. If you're strong, that is. You're not, and you know you're not. Is it such a sin for you to wear an armour to protect yourself? Are you really a fake because you need to enhance the little, good things in you, that you wish the world could see with their naked eyes? Did they think, for once, that it takes strength to show a strong front? You're not hopeless after all.
They lash out at you with sharp tongues. Did they forget, about that knife you've been carving since the day you saw the world for what it really is, and not just a fantasy you drew when you were still in your mother's womb? They hit you directly where your weakness lies. Then they realise its all cold where they hit you. And they find that very knife that you've driven into yourself deep in the core of where you hurt.
They throw empty remarks at you. Because they don't understand. Then they get frustrated because they try and they try but they still can't understand you. Watch out. Here comes another fiery, empty remark that could hurt you, but could never change what you are.
so you think you can tell,
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts?- pink floyd, 'wish you were here'.
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
They tell you to stop pretending you're strong. What do you do? Will you crumble or defeat the forces thats pulling you down? Keep your chin up high? Or be the brittle weakling that you really are? You can be a warrior and walk to the arena with bare hands. If you're strong, that is. You're not, and you know you're not. Is it such a sin for you to wear an armour to protect yourself? Are you really a fake because you need to enhance the little, good things in you, that you wish the world could see with their naked eyes? Did they think, for once, that it takes strength to show a strong front? You're not hopeless after all.
They lash out at you with sharp tongues. Did they forget, about that knife you've been carving since the day you saw the world for what it really is, and not just a fantasy you drew when you were still in your mother's womb? They hit you directly where your weakness lies. Then they realise its all cold where they hit you. And they find that very knife that you've driven into yourself deep in the core of where you hurt.
They throw empty remarks at you. Because they don't understand. Then they get frustrated because they try and they try but they still can't understand you. Watch out. Here comes another fiery, empty remark that could hurt you, but could never change what you are.
so you think you can tell,
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts?- pink floyd, 'wish you were here'.
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erdi. last confessed at 11:28 PM
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Stuck in two positions. 1) When you want to make things better, but you can't. 2) When you can do something to make things better, but you don't want to.
1) So I met granny A today for lunch. Poured her heart out as I sat and received disapproving glares from strangers who assumed I caused her to tear. I realise I'm so much like her. Felt that sense of emptiness when she left back to her lonely space. She held my hand as she struggled up the stairs, and it hurts to know that just 'yesterday', I was the one holding on to her for dear life when my tiny feet took its first steps. I couldn't let her go alone, I wanted to be with her. All I hoped for that very minute, was for the hands of time to stop, just pause for a day or so.
2) Apparently, granny B collapsed and is in the intensive care unit. I don't know her, except for the fact that she loves the same perfume granny A loves. Anais Anais by Cacharel. The first time I met her while daddy fought for his life after a drunk driving accident, I felt a sense of familiarity. The smell of the perfume made me feel I was standing next to somebody I knew well, a sense of acquainstanceship. Or was it something else that made me feel that way? Promised daddy I'll be there to see him for lunch tomorrow and visit granny B. I shouldn't have. Or should I? I don't even know my dad, what more his mother? I don't even know what to say, or feel. Now I hope for the hands of time to go faster. Skip a few days or so, till she's all well and they're on their flight back home.
__________
Stuck in two positions. 1) When you want to make things better, but you can't. 2) When you can do something to make things better, but you don't want to.
1) So I met granny A today for lunch. Poured her heart out as I sat and received disapproving glares from strangers who assumed I caused her to tear. I realise I'm so much like her. Felt that sense of emptiness when she left back to her lonely space. She held my hand as she struggled up the stairs, and it hurts to know that just 'yesterday', I was the one holding on to her for dear life when my tiny feet took its first steps. I couldn't let her go alone, I wanted to be with her. All I hoped for that very minute, was for the hands of time to stop, just pause for a day or so.
2) Apparently, granny B collapsed and is in the intensive care unit. I don't know her, except for the fact that she loves the same perfume granny A loves. Anais Anais by Cacharel. The first time I met her while daddy fought for his life after a drunk driving accident, I felt a sense of familiarity. The smell of the perfume made me feel I was standing next to somebody I knew well, a sense of acquainstanceship. Or was it something else that made me feel that way? Promised daddy I'll be there to see him for lunch tomorrow and visit granny B. I shouldn't have. Or should I? I don't even know my dad, what more his mother? I don't even know what to say, or feel. Now I hope for the hands of time to go faster. Skip a few days or so, till she's all well and they're on their flight back home.
0 comments
erdi. last confessed at 3:15 PM
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Friday, April 06, 2007
A challenge. To quit the addiction of that nicotine rush I crave. Closer to a pair of Manolos and more paperbacks. Not for anyone. I'm doing this for myself. Not trying to be a better person. Smoking never made me a bad person. I am weak, I admit. I crave. When you spill my weakness all over the people I love, the trust fades because they trusted me as a strong person. And I needed them because they believed that I could be strong. Now that you smeared it all over, I have no one. I can only trust myself to be strong. And when I've proved it to myself, you don't have to worry. I won't clean up the mess you made. I don't give a fuck. I'm satisfied just by proving to myself and no one else that I can stand on my own two feet. Don't expect tears. I've bled my eyes out and I'm done with that.